It’s a funny thing, mental health.
One day, you can wake up and it can feel like you are on top of your game, like everything is just going your way, and the next it can feel like the world is crumbling beneath your feet.
It’s like a magic spell, for me at least.
Some days, I wake up, and even before I open my eyes, I already know, that during the night, all my energy has somehow been drained from me, and I have to get a hold of my spare energy tank, that is also very empty, because this isn’t the first time, this month, that I have had to borrow energy from there.
Waking up, and knowing that you have no energy, but still have to meet the expectations of getting up, getting dressed, and going to work. The work, where I am expected to greet everyone with a smile, energy and lots and lots of small talk, is very hard.
Sometimes I can find myself talking to my coworkers and experience how the words just fall out of my mouth, even though my brain is completely frozen and stuck in low battery mode. I don’t know where those superpowers come from, they are just there.
I don’t know how introverts get through a world that is built up about being extroverted and meeting all the standards, of going out, talking, existing, being alive with other people.
Most days, the only thing I feel like is staying inside, in my apartment, in bed and just lay there, lay there till the dark days are gone, and I have energy again.
Feeling like this is bad, but having to speak up about it, can sometimes feel even worse. Sometimes I’m not sure, whether or not I imagine it or if it is actually happening.
I want to let people know how I am feeling, but having dealt with this for 10+ years, I know that half of the people won’t understand, even though I try to explain and end up having to listen to them telling me about different ways of getting rid of my feelings.
And the other half won’t know what to say, so either they say nothing or they just change the subject. Somewhere in between those two halfs, there is of course, those people who actually listen, who don’t compare, don’t project the light onto themselves, don’t tell me that they know exactly how I feel and that everybody feels that way.
I wish that there were more of these people, but if you haven’t been taught or learned how to do so, you won’t know.
So therefore, it’s easier, sometimes to not say anything.
One of my dilemma’s is also, since I have dealt with this for so long, I am always in a constant limbo of whether or not, I should tell the people close to me, how I am feeling or if it would be better for them, not to know, so that I don’t burden them with my problems, and they don’t always have to feel like, they have to take care of me.
I wish that I could be like a wizard sometimes, so I could have some control of how I am feeling. But having suppressed my feelings for more than a decade, it makes sense that now they want to live their own life.